Since I was small, I have always had a vacuum within me, drifting me away from the complete happiness that I deserve. I have had a terrible schoolhood with a whole lot of male teachers bullying me which was very obvious to others. I was a special target for few teachers and the pickings led to unwanted pricking that left a deep scar, deep enough to linger the unpleasant part of my brain which I usually manage to dominate, but still its just dormant and it always erupts like a volcano just with a mild trigger, kick starting the most hatred mood swings. I can not be the real me when it springs up and I go numbed by speech and handicapped to think except for one thing that sweeps over and over again in my brain. May be it is because the teachers were childish enough not to understand my childishness at that time. Added to that, I did not receive any real appreciation from the most praised relationship. Not to be blamed, she never thought I was a beautiful kid, nonetheless I was clever enough to figure it out. However, now I know its not her fault, may be just the inferiority complex that hid within her overshadowed her love for me without her knowledge.
The time I realised I was out of it was when I was in my college. My college was a paradise, where I saw real relationships. My college was so disciplined and it carried a conservative charisma on its own as there were so many pairs, but none were found obscene within the premises of the college and they just added to the aesthetics of the college and maintained it so well. Hats off my friends. Though there were ample of couples, my gang never had time to give a thought to be like them. We just had enough time to pull each others legs and stay so attached to each other. There is where I came to know about a girl’s inborn trait to express care. Though I am a girl, I have never enjoyed it from another girl but still I have exhibited it in ample. There was a girl in my gang who liked me a lot for what I am. I am a tomboy with a boyish attitude, brave thoughts and a determination to come up in life. She always spent time with me more than with others. We never hesitated to share food and travel together, and we were blessed to spend the whole day together. Every activity of her expressed a sense of care and a sign of love. I have wondered how one could be so affectionate. But not to mention, even I was the same with my brother during his years of unstable health.
Nevertheless, this is something I always see missing in a guy. Though their world is different, love is common for both the genders. In fact a common point where two different genders merge is just love. I feel there is a lack in commitment whenever they get committed. The sincerity is missing there. I have seen a lot of proposals and guys, but they do not seem to abide by their own decision. Why is the enthusiasm while proposing gradually thins down when they fall in commitment. Sometimes it is so worse that they easily make up their mind to forgo a longterm relationship. When it comes to love, they are happy, perhaps marriage freaks them out. When marriage freaks them, they decide to back out. Backing out just means giving up a girl whom they like, how can one give up a girl for such silly reasons. Their world is too complicated, but the worst part is that they do not step forward to make an analysis to rate them where they stand in a personal relationship. I have seen 2 pairs so close to me, well to mention they are both married. The point is, I have heard from both the girls that marriage talks were always initiated by them and men went reluctant during those talks. I do not understand where they want a love to end up if not in marriage.
In my opinion, a girl is an incarnation of an angel sent down to earth to take care of men and prevent the extinction of species. A perfect girl in my notion should be with full of aspirations to financially assist her husband and family, and filled with patience and an inborn nature to adjust (not to give up her dream). A beauty added to these traits makes an ideal girl. How can men say no to a girl of this kind ?
To a girl of this kind, a man is expected to fall in love and kiss her on her forehead and to grab her hand to express “You are mine”. Well in most cases it does happen, perhaps on a gender to gender attraction basis and not on a real love basis. If it is a real love, why should they fear a lifelong commitment. This is exactly why I have always wished to be a guy to love a girl to show how one has to love a girl. Though I have not executed it yet and though I do not have idea of executing it as I do not want to go against nature, yet there is a strong impression that rankles into my ears that girls are better when it comes to relationship.
If there is someone to be blamed, that should be Nature for making me think this way and if there is someone to be appreciated, it should be me for accepting the way Nature is and abide by it and not being artificial or unnatural that would lead to the extinction of our species.
“Thank you for your time & Have a great day”